Insecure, beaten down, low self esteem, just plain depressing. That pretty much wraps up the past several months of my life. A lot has attributed to that. Not just one incident, but many over my life span actually, and they build and build into multiple scenarios, until there’s that one last thing that causes the snap into a downward fall.
And you see it happening, you watch it take place – “but however am I to get myself out of here?”
I recently listened to a devotional which reminded me that even Jesus felt these very feelings of being forsaken, forgotten, just left hanging on his own – pun definitely wasn’t intended there, but hey, it’s true. He went from praying “Abba Father, please let this pass” (Matthew 26:38) in the garden right before he was captured and led to his death. Then when the whole crucifixion business went down, he said “My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?” (Matthew 27:46). The difference between the two? “Abba” is a term that literally translates as “Daddy” – a term of familiarity, closeness. Jesus goes from there to saying “My God, My God.”
You sense his feeling of being abandoned. All alone in his situation. Right there. That very place. I know it and I feel it. I’m sure anyone can relate to some degree. Though not to this extent of being tortured and left to die, feeling abandoned sums up much of our hopelessness. Hopelessness after being beaten down so many times and in so many ways. However am I supposed to get back up again and keep trying? I’m tired. I can’t. I don’t have anything left in me. I am exhausted and tired of the fight. Spiritually and emotionally exhausted.
And that is where Jesus is ever present. The God who came to me and lived the unfortunate emotions and experiences I face everyday. He becomes our strength, our hope, our joy. Because the very moment he gave up his life for us, he defeated the spirit of things that are essentially death. The despair, depression, pain, hurt, anger, self-hate – all those things and more.
Easter and beautiful springs are a reminder to me that the dead things aren’t the end. There is new life. There is hope. There is beauty yet unseen. There is joy to be had. How my heart leaps at thinking of the moment when in that tomb Jesus’ heart started to pulsate again. His eyelids parted. Hands pressed against stone to lift his body from where he laid for 3 days. Feet now standing. Boom. Yes. Sweet, sweet victory. This is the stand Jesus has taken for us. “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]” (John 10:10).
So here I am today – reflecting on the girl who didn’t recognize herself for the past several months. I am thankful for this hope and newness of life that I can look forward to because of Truth that permeates my heart.