when you’re just not sure how to believe God right now

I’m tired of living life as is. Mundane. In redundancy. In complacency. Spiritually complacent. Never truly expecting to see God move in incredible ways. Continually hearing about how God is working wonderfully in the lives of others but not seeing that come to fruition in my own life is difficult.

Have you ever prayed like crazy for someone – lots of someones – and see God answer those prayers left and right; yet, when it comes to prayers for yourself getting answered you can hear a pin drop? Why is that? You’re happy for that person. Genuinely happy. But the walk to your car after church service or after a get-together with friends can admittedly be one of the loneliest. Sometimes I feel like my heart is carrying bricks. The only solution seems to be avoiding those events altogether. Arriving late and leaving early because you don’t want to hear about anyone’s life or answer questions about your own that will only end up in a mascara-ruining situation. No thanks.

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Truthfully, I’ve had past experiences of seeing God do unimaginable things in my life, but right now it’s a struggle. Is He done acting on my behalf or something? Or is it just my inability to have any shred of hope in Him right now?

Faint memories remind me of a time when my heart leaped at the thought of what God could possibly do. I had a joyful anticipation of His crafty hand delighting my soul with a miraculous surprise. But I’m afraid I’ve lost that anticipation and somehow gotten lost in the world of having little to no expectation – FOR ANYTHING. There’s just not much that I expect from God. The eager joy has escaped my heart like that of a girl wooed no more. The words “have faith” now produce a strong sense of resentment within me. I don’t believe that “moving mountains” ordeal as I used to…at least my heart doesn’t.

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One of the godliest men whom I have crossed paths with has become sort of like a spiritual grandfather to me. He listens and encourages with great, Godly wisdom. I don’t get to see him often but I know that if I’m having a rough time I can send him an email or just send updates on my life. To have that is a great blessing itself. He recently reminded me that in Genesis 8 it says, ‘and God remembered Noah.’ “So dear sister, He has remembered you. Your time adrift on the boat is coming to an end. You’re in the palm of His hand.” Coming from someone who should’ve lost his battle with cancer numerous times, those words brought a comforting hope to my heart. God has remembered ME…little old me.

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Jesus does in fact pursue my heart and He does delight in my seeing evidences of Him in incredible ways. As seasons change and look very different in our lives I think it’s the same way with the Lord. He doesn’t want to stay in the same place with us as it was a year ago…or even months ago! Like any relationship, He desires us to grow and be closer to Him. And sometimes, that requires difficulty or maybe even the feeling of being distant so that we’ll press into Him more. So that we’ll seek after Him.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

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I want my God to open these eyes to see Him in ways I never have before. I don’t want to stay stuck in spiritual complacency. I want to dream endlessly walking by His side and have a part in His grandest of plans!

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